Monday, December 10, 2007

Women's Bathroom Woes

I got a book of 'Dirty Filthy Jokes' for my dirt old man of an uncle and couldn't resist reading some of them before wrapping it up. Husband found this one funny, but the scary thing is - its eerily accurate! So girls, have a chuckle.

"My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat." And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely.

And you finally get close. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance."

Relief. More relief. Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backwards, directly onto the toilet seat. You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to.
And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of disease you could get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You are soaked by the splashing water. You are exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chiclets wrapper you found in your pocket, and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk in in the woman's hand and say warmly, " here. You might need this."
At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered , used and exited his bathroom, and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. "What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed. This is when you kick him sharply on the shin and go home. "


maeverin said...

i love this!
especially the part about your spouse having come and gone and read a book in the meantime.

i look at it like this--if all the women are using toilet paper covers on the seat and/or assuming "the stance" then there are no germs to latch onto my ass. except for the ones that miss and pee on the seat. ew.

However i would like to take a second and stand on my soapbox to say PLEASE FLUSH THE F#&^ING TOILET WHEN YOU ARE DONE! no one wants to see your "achievements"! if it is an automatic toilet and it didn't go down the first time, wave your hand, dance a jig, do something to make it flush again!

Liza said...

This is great... what is this book you got for him?

Paulina said...

"Filthy Dirty Jokes" Uncensored edition for Adults Only. One of those bargain books at Barnes and Noble.