Thursday, December 17, 2009

Epic Fail

Things haven't been going very well for me the last few months. As you may recall I tapered off anti-depressants which I was taking for a panic anxiety disorder (with specific phobia). As of September 1st I was drug free and thought I was handling it pretty well. Unfortunately from October on I began experiencing some new (and some old) symptoms, and by Thanksgiving break was pretty much reduced to a sad little whimpering mess. It was pretty tough going for a while there as I had a really hard time eating and even sleeping. I lost a bunch of weight, was having panic attacks approximately 15 hours out of every day. Not good! So to my great chagrin and after much soul searching I went back on the meds.

It has been three weeks now since I started taking them again. It is supposed to take about a month for them to kick in properly. I have noticed a slight reduction in the number of panic attacks (only about 3-4 per day). The rest of the time I just have anxiety, which is basically panic lite. Among my new problems are intrusive repetitive thoughts. It may help to think of them as a sort of OCD. These have been very unfortunate as I have not had much experience with OCD before and was not prepared for it. Unfortunately the thoughts have not decreased in intensity or quantity (they are with me almost all the time), which I find very disheartening. Panic attacks, though unpleasant, have been my companions for a decade now, and though I may not like them, I know how to deal with them. This business of not having your head to yourself is far more distressing, in my opinion.

I have not given up hope yet. This week I have had two fairly good days (though not in a row), which makes me hope for more better days to come. I am going to continue with the meds and I am seeing a therapist twice a week, which helps a little bit. I have not felt up to much blogging lately, but I thought I would post this update.

Among many things I have not had a chance to blog about since this setback began, was the passing of our sweet kitty Sophie. She did not come home one day and after much searching we finally located her collar (torn and missing pieces) and many clumps of her fur. We believe that something attacked her, though we are not sure what could have done it. It has been over a month since she's disappeared and we still miss her. Rest in peace sweet kitty.


Spatula said...

Sorry to hear you've been struggling too, Paulina! Hang in there - the meds will help.

I know the feeling of not wanting to be on them, to be dependent on a chemical, and I have been in this exact boat. I went off the meds and off the deep end in very quick succession.

It sounds like things are calming down for you somewhat, and you are getting help, so it will get better.

Big hug. So sorry about your kitty. I wish you recovery and send healing vibes in your direction.

sher said...

Paulina... so sorry you're struggling with something the medicine world knows little about. I don't know much about panic disorder --- only that I've experienced panic attacks a few times in my life... and the feeling is worse than the thing that triggers it. Its not a logical physical reaction (in my case its not) which makes it hard to explain to people that have not experienced. I have some experience with the thought thing too --- have found that fighting against them makes it worse... allow them their course, and they move on. In my experience... I know we are all different.

I am glad the meds help you now and maybe you will discover another way this year. Hope for 2010!